mixed nuts

(dedicated to a certain man in my life that i’ve learned to love but must learn not to love anymore)

The vision of you brings so much joy

But also greater pain.

It straggles my heart.

I can no longer feel it’s free.

I am trap in this corrupted love.

So pointless, I already felt numb.

Where was i?

When you were looking for love

Where were you?

When I thought I’m ready to be loved again.

Love..love..love..

With all this running and seeking,

Why would I run

if I already found what I am seeking for?

This loving in silence;

Loving you in distance.

This is insane.

This is not right.

This is stupid.

But I choose to be stupid.

I choose to be wrong.

I choose to love you.

When at the very start

I already knew you were owned.

(momentum is inspired by anthony bourdain’s no reservation in the philippines episode, wherein he tries to cross the street and he says, ” it’s all about momentum”. this piece, if permitted will be published on the SENIOR CRAFTMEN’S VOICE 2nd ED. for S.Y 2008-2009.)

I am always been weak. To be so specific, emotionally weak. I grew up with lots of insecurities in me. I was then pushing myself to become someone that I knew I could never ever be. I was fighting for the wrong reasons, denying the truths, believing in lies, worst of all hating the one important person in my life—- myself…

Momentum—it was this moment the mother gave birth to her child. The moment the father held his son in his arms. The moment wherein a couple pledged their vows. The moment when a student graduated from college. Every person has its own momentum in life. In every phase in one’s life there is this impulse to go forward, to develop, to change for the better. You might ask, what’s my momentum anyways? My very own momentum is the moment when I started to accept and later on walked away.

I have been in school for the past 15 years of my life. I spent 12 years in one school. In 12 years, I learned how to be a good Christian and was taught how to love and forgive. In that long years, I have found my friends (which up to now are still very good friends of mine, I think it’s “til death do us part” with our friendship) and wanted to enjoy what the world is in store for me. I was then, a stubborn, willful, adventurous girl with a super idealistic point of view. I wanted to explore, hang out with friends whenever and wherever I want, go party and enjoy being young. But truth is, I wasn’t able to explore, I’d hang out with friends with specific time and place, most of all I wasn’t able to enjoy my youthfulness. I felt like I was being enchained by my own parents. My decisions were always overruled. I was like a prisoner of my own family. That’s the time I started to fight with the wrong reasons. I envisioned my family as the villain in my story, that the only thing to make them stop is to let them see that I am trustworthy enough to be on my own. So, I had my first boyfriend in the age of 15, (to be so specific I was still 14 because I said yes 10 days before my 15^th birthday) the reason mainly is not love but it was more in curiosity and the will to prove myself to my family. But tell you, it was a struggle, because being in a relationship isn’t a game. It’s a commitment you should always be reminded of. It’s like opening your door to a stranger, there’s no guarantee that that stranger will harm you or not. Yes, I open my life thinking it would be like in movies, so happy together. Turned out, it was not. It had drawn more chaotic situations in my feeble life. That’s the point where I started to deny the truth—which is, he was a bad influence to me. Instead of helping clear things between me and my family, he even aggravated the whole thing. And I couldn’t blame him, we were raised differently. I was raised to become different. Out of a curb. Eccentric. Yet, I find it so hard to accept. Because I wanted to be part of the crowd, To be in the “in things”. But I couldn’t, my parents wouldn’t let me do it. And I hated it so much, I hated myself for it. I hated to be different. I abhor being so eccentric.

Then what happens to my 3 years in school? I was and still am where you are studying now (until I’ll graduate this march). I am a true blue Cebuana, I was raised there, every single memory I had was in Cebu. Then I had my college here. Funny isn’t it? That most of you wanted to study in Cebu and yet here I am, studying here in Bohol. I’ll repeat this over and over again, the reason why I’m here is because my aunt (whose paying my fees) asked me what do I want in college. I was still lost in my game and can’t find the right track that I couldn’t answer back. It’s a super dreaded question for me. Clock’s ticking and time’s running, so my aunt decided it’ll be better if I study here. In my first few months, I’ve seen the realization of the word indifferent. I was alone and with no one to share my thoughts with. I was having hard times making adjustments with the place, people, and culture. When you were alone, with nothing but only yourself to hang on to, you’ll learn to appreciate the things you used to ignore. My eccentricism turned out to be the only rope I need to hang on to. It saved me from being drown into the river of nothingness. I learned to embraced it, love it, be inspired by it. My 3 years in CVSCAFT had been a rocky road-roller coaster ride. It started so disappointing yet later on turned well. This school taught me hard work, perseverance, and patience. It brought the humility in me. It made me humble of who I am, what I have, and what I am capable of. Every thing happened for a reason and purpose. I was brought here by fate, in order to learn and be ready to whom I will soon become. I have found new friends and so happy they came into my life. I have found love yet lost it the second time around. I was driven into a controversy that made me learn how harsh people can be. All in all, CVSCAFT prepared me to another level of life—— the real world.

Welcome to the real world! Where hyprocites outrun the good-hearted soul. My 4^th year in college was my on-the-job training, so fortunate of me I was able to had it in the best cake and pastry shop in Cebu. The patrons had always been class A. I was then greeting and saying thank you’s to people I later learned to be the owner of big businesses in Cebu. But I wasn’t in the commissary, I was a service crew. I used what I learned from school, I worked hard, paid attention to every detail, listened to every advise. I never expected it’ll pay off that soon. The owner decided to give the job to me- I am no longer a trainee, I now working full time. At first, I was underpaid later on was settled and been paid right. I received bonuses and just benefits. I was happy and enjoying what I had accomplished. I am so blessed compared to my other friends, I am always been one step ahead of them. And I owed this so much to CVSCAFT. With great things comes great responsibilities. I experienced a lot of mishaps and heartaches in work. Good thing I was able to meet someone whose guidance made me do what’s right. Yes, I found love for third time. But this is different. I am no longer a child. My failures and achievements made me mature. Made me stronger. Made me comprehend things even better. Yes, I found love again—brotherly love. I never imagined someone would be so concerned of me like I was his own sister. Funny that we cared so much of each other as if we were real siblings, truth is we were not even related by blood! But as what they’ve say family does not only mean you are related by blood, but how you were related in so many ways. I am happy he came into my life; I was able to share my bewilderment over things and not afraid to tell everything. He listens, and that’s just what I wanted. When I’m in trouble, God never gave me signs instead he gave me certain people whose words will guide me to the right path. I am so thankful that God sent him to me. I found another part of my family in the arms of a good-hearted stranger.

My momentum—– it is the moment I started to accept my eccentricism (appreciating and making the best out of it) and the moment I started to walk away from my old self.

Today, I am no longer weak. I am even stronger than what I expected I can be. My emotions are tied so firm, it cannot easily be shaken anymore. I am no longer insecure but still I am pushing myself to become someone. But this time, someone I know I could be. I am now fighting the right causes, accepting the real truth with all my heart, believing in the right things, and best of all loving the most important person in my life— myself…

(written based on one of my weirdest imaginations ever)

i was sitting at the bench across the av hall, patiently waiting for a friend to return my drawing instruments. not really minding the people that passed by. i saw you walking and waving your hand. your gesture told me that you’re going home. i nodded but in the back of my mind i wish i never did; how i wish that you would sit right next to me and we would talked as if there’s no tomorrow. still i waited patiently.

i got my book and read it. i did notice that there’s someone who sat next to me but i really don’t mind. i was really concentrating on the book. until a voice broke the silence and to my unuttered surprise, it sounds like your voice. when i turned my head, i saw you, your smile made me more speechless. i managed to gather enough strength to asked you

me: “naa pa lagi ka?gatoo ko niuli naka?”

u: “naa pa man gani ka.hehe..ari lang gud ko, tupad sa gud ta”.

i know there’s something between the two of us. i know its not just my imagination, the feeling we both trying to hide kept us apart. i took your answer in a friendly way coz i don’t want to expect for i might get hurt in the end. my friend arrrived and gave my drawing instruments. i stood up and was bidding goodbye when you said

u: “dungan na lang ta na”

me: “cge”

never did i expect that you meant something more serious than we used to had. sometimes we met at the gate but when we reached the outside of it we directly walked separately. this time you’re walking with me, literally walking with me home.

me: “wa man lagi ka muliko?”

u: “sabay lang gud ko nimu”

me: “unsa mani?hehe..pasabta kono ko bi”

u: “kabaw naka oi. kabaw man ka ba na dugay nako ming angay nimu”

i wanted to jump then scream with joy of what i had heard. but it felt as though im in a superglue commercial that my feet is glued to the ground and no one can get me off from it. i felt im in a trance until your voice guides me back in reality.

u: “okay lang ka?”

me: “ha?”

u: “ayaw kasuko bya nako ha. wala man gud ko ga-expect na ma-in ani diay ko nimu. taga-i lang ko ug chance na i-pakita na seryoso ko.”

me: ——

u: “okay lang jud nimu? tingog pud oi..”

me: ——

u: “adto na lang ta ug mall na. mangaon ta”

me: “cge”

i was silent for awhile but as we went on i mustered to be me. we talked and talked; laughed and lauged. it was so long ago that i felt something like this. everything was so nice and wonderful. and i realized that this was the first time we ever talked this way. i now know you not just by what the things you do at shool but i met a very sensible, humorous, and responsible person in you.

it’s always been my practice to go the church before going home, this time its not the usual coz you’re with me. after we went to the church we went to the plaza. the scene was like the ones you seen on tagalog romantic movies wherein the lovers were holding each other’s hand while gazing at the stars above, but too bad were not lovers. we sat at the bench. silence was the only thing best described us. until you broke it off again.

u: “—pwede nako magunitan? kung di ka ganahan okay ra.”

me: “guniti lang..ang akong kamot man kha?haha.basin lahi imong gipasabot..hehe”

u: “hehe.kamot gud. si-aw jud ka oi. kabaw ka, sa room nato daghan man ming angay nimu”

me: “dah!! angay-angay ka jan.”

u: “bitaw. mao gani di kaayo ko magduol-duol nimu kay mauwaw ko. dayn mag cge man pud mo ug kuyog ni ****, mao to naka-hunahuna ko na mulayo lang sa”

me: “amaw man ka oi. amigo ra man mi ni ****. . kaw man pud muduol ko nimu, chicka2 unta ta pero putlon nimu, mulakaw dayn mawala. saon!!”

u: “ikaw kono bi ma-amang sa atubangan sa imong gika-ibgan”

me: “hehe.. unsa ka itoy-itoy”

u: “seryoso ko ha. salamat kay gitagaan ko nimu ug chance. kulbaan bya jud ko ganina kung unsa imong reaksyon. basin di ka mutoo. ina-ana bya jud ka permi dugay kaayo mutoo. my nalang nakita nimu na tinu-oray ako”

me: “hehe”

u: “mao ra na imu matubag?”

me: “sagdi na lang gud”

our eyes met. i saw your eyes, it was really sparkling like the swarovski bracelet that i bought yesterday. you started leaning you face towards mine. i close my eyes and……….

suddenly my alarm clock woke me up. i hate my alarm clock it never gives me enough time to finish my dreams. i really hate it but i just can’t live without it.

(i remember writing this poem after my mom and i had a fight before. this is all about loosing control over the things you used to control.)

my thoughts are scattered somewhere so far.

i wanted my mind to find it’s way back to reality.

but i just can’t.

and i don’t know why.

i am going farther away from what is true and nearer to what seems to be idealistic.

i tried to run and find the light that will serve as my way back.

but i just can’t.

and i don’t know why.

i am slowly drifting away with nothing to hold on to.

i am scared.

my hands are trembling.

my heart beats faster than it’s usual.

i tried to be calm

but i just can’t.

and i don’t know why.

i cried.

i wanted to stop

but i just can’t.

and i don’t know why.

here i am so alone.

my heart is covered with loneliness.

i desperately wanted to be happy

but i just can’t.

and i don’t know why………

(this was an old poem of mine that was given a chance to be published at the EX ANIMO (from the heart) an official folio of the CRAFTSMEN’S VOICE S.Y. 2007-2008)

the things you want the most

are the ones you can never ever have.

the person you fall in love with,

falls in love with your bestfriend.

the feeling you try to hide

are the most recognizable ones.

the things you don’t ask

are the ones given to you.

the foods that you like to eat are the

you can’t swallow for you’re allergic to it.

the lesson you studied so much last night

are the ones that didn’t come out during the test.

the painful experiences you try to forget

are the ones that you still remember until this moment.

the more you think the lesser your chance to understand.

the highest form of love is friendship,

why can’t we all just be friends?

the thought of love at first sight is what you believed in

then you still agree with me when i say that love is blind?

the thought in your head

says that i’m so silly that i’m writing this one.

but why are you still reading this until the very last ink?